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Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The hidden dangers of couches

Most of you out there probably own a couch. You've sat on them, lounged, crashed out, slept, passed out jumped up and down on them (I'm looking at you Tom.) You might even be sitting on one now. Most of you will be sitting in comfort. Those of you with older model couches may not be quite as comfortable as the others. I suggest you make friends with people in the first category and then take their couches when they pass out at a party. Up until last Sunday night I did not realise that the couch was a danger to my health- undoubtedly many others are unaware of the menace to your health that is currently underneath you.

I am one of those special people who injures themselves only through stupidity:

  • I tore all the ligaments down the right side of my right foot 20 seconds before the end of the last song at a high school dance trying to impress some girl. Girl wasn't impressed. Dan in much pain and can't walk properly for a month, has to get crutches.
  • I tore all the ligaments down the left side of my left foot by tripping over the service line tape on an en-tous-cas (clay) tennis court. Yes, the tape that is no more than one millimetre (1/32 of an inch for those in imperial) above the rest of the court. No more tennis for Dan for a month.
  • I tore all the ligaments down the right side of my right foot again by jumping over a 60 cm high (2 feet) fence and coming down on the edge of a brick while retrieving a hacky sack. No more hacky sack for Dan for a month.
  • I tore all the ligaments down the left side of my left foot again while running around a park well after midnight playing vortex ball while drunk. This is one of those things that in hindsight was a terrible idea, but at the time, this was unquestionably one of the greatest ideas in human history, right up there with the wheel, fire and Angelina Jolie.
So it should come as no surprise to you that I managed to sprain my neck by lying on the couch reading a book (the excellent Heart of the comet by David Brin and Gregory Benford) with my neck at a bad angle, specifically the angle of PAIN! I didn't realise this at the time because my couch had lulled me into a false sense of comfort. That's their M.O. people: they make you feel all comfy, then BAM, a critical joint in your body is out of place.

A trip to the osteopath and $70 later I am in less pain but can't play tennis for a week, which is bad 'cause I have to find fill-ins for four of the different competitions I play in. So here I am again, back on the couch, writing this to inform you all of the lurking dangers of your couch. Watch out. You've been warned.

P.S. I now wholeheartedly endorse Voltaren anti-inflammitory pain killers. They work good.